Jon Stewart

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

— Jon Stewart

College is something you complete. Life is something you experience.

— Jon Stewart

They always throw around this term “liberal elite.” And I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right: what’s more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?

— Jon Stewart

The Oscars is really I guess the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party.

— Jon Stewart

The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.

— Jon Stewart

The Senate seems like the place where smart people go to die.

— Jon Stewart