Rita Rudner

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

— Rita Rudner

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

— Rita Rudner

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours.

— Rita Rudner

I’m not sure if my husband is going to be there when I actually have the baby. He said the only way he’s going to be in the room when there’s a delivery is if there’s a pizza involved.

— Rita Rudner

Although she still had three months to go, Mindy already felt the hefty, protective tug of maternal obligation. Indeed, the bond was so strong she was considering not having the umbilical cord cut right away, but leaving it intact so she could keep track of her child’s whereabouts until he or she was at least twenty-one.

— Rita Rudner

Plastic surgery must be like childbirth without the child … After a while, if you’re satisfied with the results, you forget the pain and want to do it again.

— Rita Rudner

I was very overprotected as a child … My tricycle had seven wheels. And a driver….

— Rita Rudner

Oh, my God. I’ve just told you how old I am. Nobody knows how old I am. I’m going to have to kill you now.

— Rita Rudner

I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

— Rita Rudner

No hanky, no panky. At my age, foreplay is brushing my teeth … when I can remember where I put ’em.

— Rita Rudner

I knew so little about money I used to sign my check, “Love, Rita.”

— Rita Rudner

I think it’s time for a real woman who has led a real life to re-design Barbie …. Her hips could start out at a normal size and then quietly expand over the years while she remained powerless to do anything about it …. Are you listening, Mattel?

— Rita Rudner

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”

— Rita Rudner

Last year my husband decided a mere television was no longer enough for us. We needed surround sound. It was imperative we go into immediate debt over two side-speakers, a center speaker, and a subwoofer. A man who doesn’t listen to anything I say wanted to hear strangers talk to him from four different angles.

— Rita Rudner