Phyllis Diller

Never go to bed angry, stay up and fight.

— Phyllis Diller

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

— Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

— Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

— Phyllis Diller

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age -- as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

— Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

— Phyllis Diller

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

— Phyllis Diller

I realized on our first wedding anniversary that our marriage was in trouble. Fang gave me luggage. It was packed. My mother damn near suffocated in there.

— Phyllis Diller

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

— Phyllis Diller

You know you’re getting old, when your back starts going out more than you do.

— Phyllis Diller

I’m nine years behind in my ironing. I bury a lot in the backyard.

— Phyllis Diller

Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.

— Phyllis Diller

I don’t know what my mother-in-law’s measurements are. We haven’t had her surveyed yet.

— Phyllis Diller

Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.

— Phyllis Diller

They just elected me Miss Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 331⁄3, 45, 78!

— Phyllis Diller