Emo Philips

You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things, like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman—stuff you pay good money for later in life.

— Emo Philips

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, doesn’t work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me!

— Emo Philips

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said, “If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.”

— Emo Philips