Erma Bombeck

Never accept a drink from a Urologist.

— Erma Bombeck

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

— Erma Bombeck

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

— Erma Bombeck

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.

— Erma Bombeck

I am not a glutton -- I am an explorer of food.

— Erma Bombeck

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

— Erma Bombeck

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

— Erma Bombeck

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

— Erma Bombeck

You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates.

— Erma Bombeck

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: Checkout Time is 18 years.

— Erma Bombeck

Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.

— Erma Bombeck

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say, I used everything you gave me..

— Erma Bombeck

It was Halloween that did me in, that single day when your children turn to you for imagination and creativity, the one day of the year when you must transcend fantasy.

— Erma Bombeck

What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?

— Erma Bombeck

On the first day of school, my children said to me, "Aren't you glad that our education's free?"

— Erma Bombeck

I never go to a college reunion that I don't come away feeling sorry for all those paunchy, balding jocks trying to hang onto youth. I feel sorry for the men, too.

— Erma Bombeck

Studies made on first children say they're not all that bad. They are usually shy, serious and sensitive, are academically superior and are more likely to be an Einstein. Second children, on the other hand, are relaxed, independent, cheerful, learn toward creativity and are more likely to be Picasso. No one has had the courage to find--let alone study--child Number 3 and the ones who follow, whom I call et ceteras.

— Erma Bombeck

What if they mispronounce my last name and everyone laughs? What if my teacher doesn't make her D's like Mom taught me? What if I spend the whole day without a friend?

— Erma Bombeck

There is talk of lowering the driving age. It might be a good idea. There was a time when I had more patience. But whoever heard of a five-year-old behind the wheel of a car?

— Erma Bombeck