Jerry Seinfeld

There is no such thing as "fun" for the whole family.

— Jerry Seinfeld

Frankly, I don't believe people think of their office as a workplace anyway. I think they think of it as a stationery store with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home.

— Jerry Seinfeld

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

— Jerry Seinfeld

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, “See if you can blow this out.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? No pockets.

— Jerry Seinfeld

A dog will stay stupid. That’s why we love them so much.

— Jerry Seinfeld

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?

— Jerry Seinfeld

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

— Jerry Seinfeld