Steven Wright

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

— Steven Wright

I have an existential map; it has you are here written all over it.

— Steven Wright

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, so. What did you think?

— Steven Wright

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

— Steven Wright

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

— Steven Wright

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before

— Steven Wright