Mark Twain

Temperate temperance is best; intemperate temperance injures the cause of temperance.

— Mark Twain

The man who is ostentatious of his modesty is twin to the statue that wears a fig-leaf.

— Mark Twain

The lack of money is the root of all evils.

— Mark Twain

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.

— Mark Twain

His money is twice tainted: taint yours and taint mine.

— Mark Twain

My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.

— Mark Twain

From his cradle to his grave a man never does a single thing which has any FIRST AND FOREMOST object but one -- to secure peace of mind, spiritual comfort, for HIMSELF.

— Mark Twain

There are German songs which can make a stranger to the language cry.

— Mark Twain

Nations do not think, they only feel. They get their feelings at second hand through their temperaments, not their brains. A nation can be brought -- by force of circumstances, not argument -- to reconcile itself to any kind of government or religion that can be devised; in time it will fit itself to the required conditions; later it will prefer them and will fiercely fight for them.

— Mark Twain

France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country.

— Mark Twain

Switzerland is simply a large, lumpy, solid rock with a thin skin of grass stretched over it.

— Mark Twain

Warm summer sun, shine kindly here. Warm southern wind, blow softly here. Green sod above, lie light, lie light. Good night, dear Heart, Good night, good night.

— Mark Twain

Necessity is the mother of taking chances.

— Mark Twain

Obscurity and competence: That is the life that is worth living.

— Mark Twain

The banging and slamming and booming and crashing were something beyond belief. [On Lohengrin]

— Mark Twain

Hardly a man in the world has an opinion upon morals, politics or religion which he got otherwise than through his associations and sympathies. Broadly speaking, there are none but corn-pone opinions. And broadly speaking, Corn-Pone stands for Self-Approval. Self-approval is acquired mainly from the approval of other people. The result is Conformity.

— Mark Twain

It is difference of opinion that makes horse races.

— Mark Twain

It is not best that we should all think alike; it is a difference of opinion that makes horse races.

— Mark Twain

Public opinion is held in reverence. It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God.

— Mark Twain

There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist, except an old optimist.

— Mark Twain

The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows too little.

— Mark Twain

The man with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.

— Mark Twain

Do not undervalue the headache. While it is at its sharpest it seems a bad investment; but when relief begins, the unexpired remainder is worth $4 a minute.

— Mark Twain

My parents were neither very poor nor conspicuously honest.

— Mark Twain

Stars are good too. I wish I could get some to put in my hair. But I suppose I never can. You would be surprised to find how far off they are, for they do not look it. When they first showed last night I tried to knock some down with a pole, but it didn't reach, which astonished me. Then I tried clods till I was all tired out, but I never got one. I did make some close shots, for I saw the black blot of the clod sail right into thee midst of the golden clusters forty or fifty times, just barely missing them, and if I could've held out a little longer, maybe I could've got one.

— Mark Twain

The miracle, or the power, that elevates the few is to be found in their industry, application, and perseverance under the prompting of a brave, determined spirit.

— Mark Twain

There is nothing sadder than a young pessimist.

— Mark Twain

Pessimism is only the name that men of weak nerve give to wisdom.

— Mark Twain

If He Tom Sawyer had been a great and wise philosopher, like the writer of this book, he would now have comprehended that Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do and Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.

— Mark Twain

If they had not landed there would be some reason for celebrating the fact.

— Mark Twain

Pity is for living, envy is for dead.

— Mark Twain

What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing, he knew nobody had said it before.

— Mark Twain

War talk by men who have been in a war is always interesting; whereas moon talk by a poet who has not been in the moon is likely to be dull.

— Mark Twain

When the doctrine of allegiance to party can utterly up-end a man's moral constitution and make a temporary fool of him besides, what excuse are you going to offer for preaching it, teaching it, extending it, perpetuating it? Shall you say, the best good of the country demands allegiance to party? Shall you also say it demands that a man kick his truth and his conscience into the gutter, and become a mouthing lunatic, besides?

— Mark Twain

In statesmanship get the formalities right, never mind about the moralities.

— Mark Twain

Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can.

— Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

— Mark Twain

By common consent of all the nations and all the ages the most valuable thing in this world is the homage of men, whether deserved or undeserved.

— Mark Twain

He liked to like people, therefore people liked him.

— Mark Twain

Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.

— Mark Twain

More than once I had seen a noble who had gotten his enemy at a disadvantage stop to pray before cutting his throat.

— Mark Twain

You can't pray a lie.

— Mark Twain

Few sinners are saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon.

— Mark Twain

To do something, say something, see something, before anybody else -- these are things that confer a pleasure compared with which other pleasures are tame and commonplace, other ecstasies cheap and trivial.

— Mark Twain

I find that principles have no real force except when one is well fed.

— Mark Twain

Prosperity is the best protector of principle.

— Mark Twain

Principles aren't of much account anyway, except at election time. After that you hang them up to let them season.

— Mark Twain

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

— Mark Twain

When you ascend the hill of prosperity, may you not meet a friend.

— Mark Twain

Prosperity is the surest breeder of insolence I know.

— Mark Twain

There are many scapegoats for our sins, but the most popular is providence.

— Mark Twain

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

— Mark Twain

I cannot see how a man of any large degree of humorous perception can ever be religious -- except he purposely shut the eyes of his mind and keep them shut by force.

— Mark Twain

It is a good and gentle religion, but inconvenient.

— Mark Twain

In his private heart no man much respects himself.

— Mark Twain

When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet deep down in his private heart no man much respects himself.

— Mark Twain

No God and no religion can survive ridicule. No political church, no nobility, no royalty or other fraud, can face ridicule in a fair field, and live.

— Mark Twain

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

— Mark Twain

A monarch, when good, is entitled to the consideration which we accord to a pirate who keeps Sunday School between crimes; when bad, he is entitled to none at all.

— Mark Twain

It is a good idea to obey all the rules when you're young just so you'll have the strength to break them when you're old.

— Mark Twain

Out of the unconscious lips of babes and sucklings are we satirized.

— Mark Twain

I refused to attend his funeral. But I wrote a very nice letter explaining that I approved of it.

— Mark Twain

Scientists have odious manners, except when you prop up their theory; then you can borrow money of them.

— Mark Twain

Everyone is like a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.

— Mark Twain

What do we call love, hate, charity, revenge, humanity, forgiveness? Different results of the master impulse, the necessity of securing one's self-approval.

— Mark Twain

The most difficult We do not deal in facts when we are contemplating ourselves.

— Mark Twain

The law of God, as quite plainly expressed in woman's construction, is this: There shall be no limit put upon your intercourse with the other sex sexually, at any time of life. During twenty-three days in every month (in the absence of pregnancy) from the time a woman is seven years old till she dies of old age, she is ready for action, and competent. As competent as the candlestick is to receive the candle. Competent every day, competent every night. Also, she wants that candle -- yearns for it, longs for it, hankers after it, as commanded by the law of God in her heart.

— Mark Twain

The Pause; that impressive silence, that eloquent silence, that geometrically progressive silence which often achieves a desired effect where no combination of words, however so felicitous, could accomplish it.

— Mark Twain

It takes an enemy and a friend, working together, to hurt you to the heart. The one to slander you, and the other to get the news to you.

— Mark Twain

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.

— Mark Twain

To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did, I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times.

— Mark Twain

I could have become a soldier if I had waited; I knew more about retreating than the man who invented retreating.

— Mark Twain

If you have nothing to say, say nothing.

— Mark Twain

There is nothing in the world like a persuasive speech to fuddle the mental apparatus.

— Mark Twain

There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford it, and when he can.

— Mark Twain

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

— Mark Twain

There are lies, damned lies, and statistics.

— Mark Twain

October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August, and February.

— Mark Twain

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then Success is sure.

— Mark Twain

Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.

— Mark Twain

We need not worry so much about what man descends from; it's what he descends to that shames the human race.

— Mark Twain

There's always something about your success that displeases even your best friends.

— Mark Twain

There it is: it doesn't make any difference who we are or what we are, there's always somebody to look down on! somebody to hold in light esteem, somebody to be indifferent about.

— Mark Twain

Let me make the superstitions of a nation and I care not who makes its laws or its songs either.

— Mark Twain

I don't know of a single foreign product that enters this country untaxed, except the answer to prayer.

— Mark Twain

I know all those people. I have friendly, social, and criminal relations with the whole lot of them.

— Mark Twain

To be good is noble, but to teach others how to be good is nobler and less trouble.

— Mark Twain

It is easier to stay out than get out.

— Mark Twain

There was never a century nor a country that was short of experts who knew the Deity's mind and were willing to reveal it.

— Mark Twain

Man is the only creature who has a nasty mind.

— Mark Twain

We like a man to come right out and say what he thinks, if we agree with him.

— Mark Twain

A man can seldom -- very, very, seldom -- fight a winning fight against his training; the odds are too heavy.

— Mark Twain

You perceive I generalize with intrepidity from single instances. It is the tourist's custom.

— Mark Twain

I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.

— Mark Twain

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.

— Mark Twain

A joke, even if it be a lame one, is nowhere so keenly relished or quickly applauded as in a murder trial.

— Mark Twain

Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.

— Mark Twain

Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.

— Mark Twain

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

— Mark Twain

I never could tell a lie that anybody would doubt, nor a truth that anybody would believe.

— Mark Twain