Joan Rivers

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

— Joan Rivers

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

— Joan Rivers

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

— Joan Rivers

Can we talk?

— Joan Rivers

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes -- and six months later you have to start all over again.

— Joan Rivers

When the rabbi said, “Do you take this woman?” sixteen guys said, “We have.”

— Joan Rivers

Marry rich. Buy him a pacemaker, then stand behind him and say “boo.”

— Joan Rivers

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.

— Joan Rivers

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

— Joan Rivers