George Ade

For parlor use, the vague generality is a life saver.

— George Ade

A friend who is near and dear may in time become as useless as a relative.

— George Ade

In the city a funeral is just an interruption of traffic; in the country it is a form of popular entertainment.

— George Ade

She was short on intellect, but long on shape.

— George Ade

Nothing is improbable until it moves into past tense.

— George Ade

After being Turned Down by numerous Publishers, he had decided to write for Posterity.

— George Ade

If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable.

— George Ade

Do unto yourself as your neighbors do unto themselves and look pleasant.

— George Ade

The time to enjoy a European tour is about three weeks after you unpack.

— George Ade

Anybody can win unless there happens to be a second entry.

— George Ade

If ever I want to sign the pledge, It's the morning after I've had an edge.

— George Ade

"I understand that inside of the Pearly Gates, each Family has Permanent Quarters. There are no Folding Beds to juggle down Back Stairways, no Picture Cords to shorten, no Curtain Poles to saw off, no Book Cases to get jammed in Stairways. I am sure there will be no Piano Movers, for I have heard their Language. Do you think you can be happy in the Promised Land?" "It will depend entirely on whether or not the Rugs fit."

— George Ade

The cocktail is a pleasant drink, It's mild and harmless, I don't think. When you've had one, you call for two, And then you don't care what you do.

— George Ade

For it must be known, Reader, that when the Gentle Youth break out of High School they not only Launch on the Tempestuous Sea, but they also begin to climb the ladder of Fame and hike up the toilsome Mountain-side and go into the waiting Harvest Field, all at the same time. . . . I will now ask you to come up and get your Sheepskins. Take this precious Certificate home and put it in a Dark, Cool Place. A few Years hence when you are less Experienced, it will give you a Melancholy Pleasure to look at it and Hark back to the Time when you knew it all. Just one Word in Parting. Always count your Change, and if you can't be Good, be Careful.

— George Ade