Groucho Marx

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

— Groucho Marx

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

— Groucho Marx

I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

— Groucho Marx

The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can't fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.

— Groucho Marx

Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

— Groucho Marx

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

— Groucho Marx

My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.

— Groucho Marx

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

— Groucho Marx

I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make dry toast, instant coffee, hearts of lettuce and brownies. But as an added attraction, at no extra charge, my idea was to put a fried egg on the cover. I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.

— Groucho Marx

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

— Groucho Marx

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of ones fellow man.

— Groucho Marx

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

— Groucho Marx

There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he's crooked.

— Groucho Marx

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

— Groucho Marx

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.

— Groucho Marx

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.

— Groucho Marx

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

— Groucho Marx

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

— Groucho Marx

I worked myself up from nothing to extreme poverty.

— Groucho Marx

Look at me. I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

— Groucho Marx

Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.

— Groucho Marx

I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.

— Groucho Marx

No man goes before his time -- unless the boss leaves early.

— Groucho Marx

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

— Groucho Marx

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

— Groucho Marx

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

— Groucho Marx

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

— Groucho Marx

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five

— Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

— Groucho Marx

Buiten een hond is een boek je beste vriend. Binnen een hond is het te donker om te lezen

— Groucho Marx

Ik vind televisie erg educatief. Elke keer dat iemand het ding aanzet ga ik naar een andere kamer en lees een boek.

— Groucho Marx

Middle age is when you go to bed at night and think you're going to feel better in the morning. Old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning.

— Groucho Marx

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution

— Groucho Marx

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

— Groucho Marx

How do you feel about women’s rights? I like either side of them.

— Groucho Marx

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

— Groucho Marx

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

— Groucho Marx