Joe E. Lewis

I always wake up at the crack of ice.

— Joe E. Lewis

I don't drink any more than the man next to me, and the man next to me is Dean Martin.

— Joe E. Lewis

A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on.

— Joe E. Lewis

I drink to forget I drink.

— Joe E. Lewis

I would take a bomb, but I can't stand the noise.

— Joe E. Lewis

It pays to get drunk with the best people.

— Joe E. Lewis

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

— Joe E. Lewis

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.

— Joe E. Lewis

Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest.

— Joe E. Lewis

I've been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would have taken General Custer and given points.

— Joe E. Lewis

You only live once -- but if you work it right, once is enough.

— Joe E. Lewis

Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants on.

— Joe E. Lewis

They had me on the operating table all day. They looked into my stomach, my gall bladder, they examined everything inside of me. Know what they decided? I need glasses.

— Joe E. Lewis

I'm still chasing girls. I don't remember what for, but I'm still chasing them.

— Joe E. Lewis

It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor -- as long as you've got money.

— Joe E. Lewis

There's only one thing money won't buy, and that is poverty.

— Joe E. Lewis

I don't like money actually, but it quiets the nerves.

— Joe E. Lewis

Show me a man with very little money and I will show you a bum.

— Joe E. Lewis

Adlai Stevenson has a genius for saying the right thing, at the right time, to the wrong people.

— Joe E. Lewis

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.

— Joe E. Lewis

You are only young once, and if you work it right, once is enough.

— Joe E. Lewis