W. C. Fields

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

— W. C. Fields

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.

— W. C. Fields

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.

— W. C. Fields

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

— W. C. Fields

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

— W. C. Fields

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

— W. C. Fields

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

— W. C. Fields

Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.

— W. C. Fields

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

— W. C. Fields

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.

— W. C. Fields

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

— W. C. Fields

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

— W. C. Fields

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

— W. C. Fields

My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?

— W. C. Fields

Start off everyday with a simple smile and get it over with.

— W. C. Fields

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

— W. C. Fields

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore, always carry a small snake

— W. C. Fields

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.

— W. C. Fields

Madam, there’s no such thing as a tough child—if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

— W. C. Fields

I like children—properly cooked.

— W. C. Fields

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.

— W. C. Fields

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.

— W. C. Fields

Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

— W. C. Fields

After two days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

— W. C. Fields

To a waitress in a restaurant: I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

— W. C. Fields

When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.

— W. C. Fields

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

— W. C. Fields

Once … in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.

— W. C. Fields

I exercise extreme self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

— W. C. Fields

I’ve been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.

— W. C. Fields

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

— W. C. Fields