Rodney Dangerfield

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

— Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I were happy for twenty. Then we met!

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

— Rodney Dangerfield

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

— Rodney Dangerfield