Woody Allen

Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing Embraceable You in spats.

— Woody Allen

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

— Woody Allen

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

— Woody Allen

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

— Woody Allen

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

— Woody Allen

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one consider that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.

— Woody Allen

I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

— Woody Allen

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

— Woody Allen

I don't believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

— Woody Allen

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

— Woody Allen

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

— Woody Allen

I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.

— Woody Allen

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- dead.

— Woody Allen

More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

— Woody Allen

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

— Woody Allen

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

— Woody Allen

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

— Woody Allen

Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.

— Woody Allen

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

— Woody Allen

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

— Woody Allen

The lion and the calf will lay down together, but the calf won't get much sleep..

— Woody Allen

Marriage is the death of hope.

— Woody Allen

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she would come in and sink my boats.

— Woody Allen

I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final. You know, I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

— Woody Allen

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

— Woody Allen

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

— Woody Allen

I am at two with nature.

— Woody Allen

It shows exactly what you can do if you're a total psychotic.

— Woody Allen

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.

— Woody Allen

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

— Woody Allen

My one regret in life is that I'm not someone else.

— Woody Allen

A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.

— Woody Allen

If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.

— Woody Allen

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they left things.

— Woody Allen

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

— Woody Allen

A Bay Area Bisexual told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.

— Woody Allen

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best.

— Woody Allen

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

— Woody Allen

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

— Woody Allen

Summing up, it is clear the future holds great opportunities. It also holds pitfalls. The trick will be to avoid the pitfalls, seize the opportunities, and get back home by six o'clock.

— Woody Allen

What is it about death that bothers me so much? Probably the hours. Melnick says the soul is immortal and lives on after the body drops away, but if my soul exists without my body, I am convinced all my clothes will be loose-fitting.

— Woody Allen

My brain: it’s my second favorite organ.

— Woody Allen

To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.

— Woody Allen

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.

— Woody Allen

I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot.

— Woody Allen

Human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun.

— Woody Allen

After all, there are worse things in life than death. If you’ve ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you know what I’m talking about.

— Woody Allen

It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

— Woody Allen

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

— Woody Allen

My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.

— Woody Allen

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work … I want to achieve it through not dying.

— Woody Allen

Talent is luck. The important thing in life is courage.

— Woody Allen