Fred A. Allen

An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

— Fred A. Allen

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

— Fred A. Allen

Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.

— Fred A. Allen

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

— Fred A. Allen

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

— Fred A. Allen

Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.

— Fred A. Allen

The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.

— Fred A. Allen

We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.

— Fred A. Allen

A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

— Fred A. Allen

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

— Fred A. Allen

It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.

— Fred A. Allen

He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.

— Fred A. Allen

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

— Fred A. Allen

A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

— Fred A. Allen

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.

— Fred A. Allen

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

— Fred A. Allen

An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.

— Fred A. Allen

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

— Fred A. Allen

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

— Fred A. Allen

Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.

— Fred A. Allen

I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and -- I can't remember what the third thing is.

— Fred A. Allen

A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 am and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 p.m. to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch.

— Fred A. Allen

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

— Fred A. Allen

Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.

— Fred A. Allen

The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases he has culled from a conversational guide or picked up from a friend who owns a beret.

— Fred A. Allen