Quotes by Josh Billings

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Humorist and lecturer Josh Billings more

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Old maids sweeten their tea with scandal.

It's not only the most difficult thing to know one's self, but the most inconvenient.
There is no greater evidence of superior intelligence than to be surprised at nothing.
Knowledge is like money: the more he gets, the more he craves.
The trouble with most folks ain't so much their ignorance as knowing so many things that ain't so.
I honestly believe it is better to know nothing than to know what ain't so.
Incredulity is the wisdom of the fool.
A good way I know to find happiness, is to not bore a hole to fit the plug.
The miser and the glutton are two facetious buzzards: one hides his store, and the other stores his hide.
Take all the fools out of this world and there wouldn't be any fun living in it, or profit.
When a man gets talking about himself, he seldom fails to be eloquent and often reaches the sublime.
Never run into debt, not if you can find anything else to run into.
Always live within your income, even if you have to borrow money to do so.
Reason often makes mistakes, but conscience never does.
I have lived in this world just long enough to look carefully the second time into things that I am the most certain of the first time.
The happiest time in a man's life is when he is in the red hot pursuit of a dollar with a reasonable prospect of overtaking it.
It is a statistical fact that the wicked work harder to reach hell than the righteous do to enter heaven.
Tew look upon the trak that life takes--tew see the sunshine and shower--tew plead for the best, and shrink from the wust--tew shudder when sikness steals on, and tew be chastened when death comes--tiz this--oh! tiz this that makes the fust baby a hope upon arth, and a gem up in heaven.
It ain't so much trouble to get rich as it is to tell when we have got rich.
There are some people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying.
Never work before breakfast. If you have to work before breakfast, get your breakfast first.
When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
The trouble with people is not that they dont know but that they know so much that aint so.
Thare aint no resipee for a perfekt wife, enny more than there iz for a perfekt husband. There iz just az menny good wifes az thare iz good husbands, and i never knew two people, married or single, who were determined tew make themselfs agreeable to each other, but what they suckceeded.
Court a gal for fun, for the luv yu bear her, for the vartue and bissness thare is in her; court her for a wife and for a mother, court her as yu wud court a farm--for the strength ov the sile and the parfeckshun ov the title; court her as tho she want a fule, and yu a nuther; court her in the kitchen, in the parlor, over the wash-tub, and at the pianner; court this way, yung man, and if yu don't git a good wife and she don't git a good hustband, the falt won't be in the courting.
Babys i luv with all mi heart; they are mi sweetmeats, they warm up mi blood like a gin sling, they krawl into me and nestle by the side ov mi soul, like a kitten under a cook stove. . . . I have got grandchildren, and they are wuss than the first krop tew riot amung the feelings.
Laffing keeps oph sickness, and haz conquered az menny diseases az ever pills have, and at mutch less expense.--It makes flesh, and keeps it in its place. It drives away weariness and brings a dream ov sweeness to the sleeper.
Thare are hotels that are a joy upon earth, where a man pays hiz bill az cheerfully az he did the parson who married him, whare yu kant find the landlord unless yu hunt in the kitchen, whare servants glide around like angels ov mercy, whare the beds fit a man's back like the feathers on a goose, and whare the vittle taste just az tho yure wife, or yure mother had fried them. Theze kind ov hotels ought tew be bilt on wheels and travel around the country; they are az phull ov real cumfort az a thanksgiving pudding, but alass! yes, alass! they are az unplenty az double-yelked eggs.
Flattery iz like ice-cream--to relish good we want it a little at a time, and often. The more yu praze a man who don't deserve it, the more yu abuze him. Yu kan't flatter a truly wize man--he knows just how much praze iz due him; that he takes, and charges over all the balance tew the proffit and loss ackount.

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