Quotes by Rita Rudner

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I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Last year my husband decided a mere television was no longer enough for us. We needed surround sound. It was imperative we go into immediate debt over two side-speakers, a center speaker, and a subwoofer. A man who doesn’t listen to anything I say wanted to hear strangers talk to him from four different angles.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”
Oh, my God. I’ve just told you how old I am. Nobody knows how old I am. I’m going to have to kill you now.
I was very overprotected as a child … My tricycle had seven wheels. And a driver….
Plastic surgery must be like childbirth without the child … After a while, if you’re satisfied with the results, you forget the pain and want to do it again.
Although she still had three months to go, Mindy already felt the hefty, protective tug of maternal obligation. Indeed, the bond was so strong she was considering not having the umbilical cord cut right away, but leaving it intact so she could keep track of her child’s whereabouts until he or she was at least twenty-one.
I’m not sure if my husband is going to be there when I actually have the baby. He said the only way he’s going to be in the room when there’s a delivery is if there’s a pizza involved.
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours.
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
I think it’s time for a real woman who has led a real life to re-design Barbie …. Her hips could start out at a normal size and then quietly expand over the years while she remained powerless to do anything about it …. Are you listening, Mattel?
I knew so little about money I used to sign my check, “Love, Rita.”
No hanky, no panky. At my age, foreplay is brushing my teeth … when I can remember where I put ’em.
I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

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