Quotes by Helen Rowland

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Helen Rowland (1875-1950) was a very quotable American journalist and humorist.

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Failing to be there when a man wants her is a woman's greatest sin, except to be there when he doesn't want her.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
It takes one woman twenty years to make a man of her son -- and another woman twenty minutes to make a fool of him.
The follies which a man regrets most in his life, are those which he didn't commit when he had the opportunity.
Home is any four walls that enclose the right person.
It is easier to keep half a dozen lovers guessing than to keep one lover after he has stopped guessing.
Before marriage, a man will go home and lie awake all night thinking about something you said; after marriage, he'll go to sleep before you finish saying it.
Every man wants a woman to appeal to his better side, his nobler instincts and his higher nature -- and another woman to help him forget them.
One man's folly is often another man's wife.
Between lovers a little confession is a dangerous thing.
When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of all the other men of her acquaintance for the inattention of just one.
A Bachelor of Arts is one who makes love to a lot of women, and yet has the art to remain a bachelor.
There are only two kinds of men; the dead and the deadly.
No man can understand why a woman shouldn't prefer a good reputation to a good time.
A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
Why does a man take it for granted that a girl who flirts with him wants him to kiss her -- when, nine times out of ten, she only wants him to want to kiss her?
A wise woman puts a grain of sugar into everything she says to a man, and takes a grain of salt with everything he says to her.
Marriage is the miracle that transforms a kiss from a pleasure into a duty.
Some women can be fooled all of the time, and all women can be fooled some of the time, but the same woman can't be fooled by the same man in the same way more than half of the time.
Nowadays love is a matter of chance, matrimony a matter of money and divorce a matter of course.
Don't waste time trying to break a man's heart; be satisfied if you can just manage to chip it in a brand new place.
The hardest task of a girl's life, nowadays, is to prove to a man that his intentions are serious.
Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself.
A man can become so accustomed to the thought of his own faults that he will begin to cherish them as charming little personal characteristics.
When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn't a sign that they don't understand one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
Love, the quest; marriage, the conquest; divorce, the inquest.
Somehow a bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty and a boy forever.
Never trust a husband too far, nor a bachelor too near.
Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the imagination and bottling the common-sense.
A bride at her second marriage does not wear a veil. She wants to see what she is getting.
After marriage, a woman's sight becomes so keen that she can see right through her husband without looking at him, and a man's so dull that he can look right through his wife without seeing her.
Marriage is the operation by which a woman's vanity and a man's egotism are extracted without an anaesthetic.
There's so much saint in the worst of them, and so much devil in the best of them, that a woman who's married to one of them, has nothing to learn of the rest of them.
A fool and her money are soon courted.
Call the bald man, Boy; make the sage thy toy; greet the youth with solemn face; praise the fat man for his grace.
In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.
Telling lies is a fault in a boy, an art in a lover, an accomplishment in a bachelor, and second-nature in a married man.
When you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living.
To make a man perfectly happy tell him he works too hard, that he spends too much money, that he is misunderstood or that he is different; none of this is necessarily complimentary, but it will flatter him infinitely more that merely telling him that he is brilliant, or noble, or wise, or good.
A man's desire for a son is usually nothing but the wish to duplicate himself in order that such a remarkable pattern may not be lost to the world.
France may claim the happiest marriages in the world, but the happiest divorces in the world are made in America.
When a man spends his time giving his wife criticism and advice instead of compliments, he forgets that it was not his good judgment, but his charming manners, that won her heart.
What a man calls his conscience is merely the mental action that follows a sentimental reaction after too much wine or love.
The tenderest spot in a man's make-up is sometimes the bald spot on top of his head.
A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty and a boy forever.
Marrying an old bachelor is like buying second-hand furniture.
A widow is a fascinating being with the flavor of maturity, the spice of experience, the piquancy of novelty, the tang of practiced coquetry, and the halo of one man's approval.
Wedding: the point at which a man stops toasting a woman and begins roasting her.
At twenty, a man feels awfully aged and blasé; at thirty, almost senile; at forty, “not so old”; and at fifty, positively skittish.
It takes a woman twenty years to make a man of her son, and another woman twenty minutes to make a fool of him.
One man’s folly is another man’s wife.
Marriage is the operation by which a woman’s vanity and a man’s egotism are extracted without an anaesthetic.
No girl who is going to marry need bother to win a college degree; she just naturally becomes a Master of Arts and a Doctor of Philosophy after catering to an ordinary man for a few years.
Woman! The peg on which the wit hangs his jest, the preacher his text, the cynic his grouch, and the sinner his justification!
Variety is the spice of love.
From the day on which she weighs 140, the chief excitement of a woman's life consists in spotting [people] who are fatter than she is.

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