Quotes by Ogden Nash

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Frederic Ogden Nash (August 19, 1902 May 19, 1971) was an American poet best known for writing pithy, funny, light verse.

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To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up.

There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all.
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
Your hair may be brushed, but your mind's untidy. You've had about seven hours of sleep since Friday. No wonder you feel that lost sensation. You're sunk from a riot of relaxation.
Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.
The only people who should really sin are the people who can sin and grin.
Man is a victim of dope in the incurable form of hope.
The most exciting happiness is the happiness generated by forces beyond your control.
How easy for those who do not bulge to not overindulge!
One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
Indoors or out, no one relaxes in March, that month of wind and taxes, the wind will presently disappear, the taxes last us all the year.
Candy, is dandy, but Liquor, is quicker.
People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.
If you are really Master of your Fate, it shouldn't make any difference to you whether Cleopatra or the Bearded Lady is your mate.
If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.
The further through life I drift the more obvious it becomes that I am lacking in thrift.
Life is not having been told that the man has just waxed the floor.
There is only one thing for a man to do who is married to a woman who enjoys spending money, and that is enjoy earning it.
Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who cannot sleep with window shut, and a woman who cannot sleep with the window open.
Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn't it, of a long line of proven criminals?
I do not like to get the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons.
Here is a pen and here is a pencil, here's a typewriter, here's a stencil, here's a list of today's appointments, and all the flies in all the ointments, the daily woes that a man endures -- take them, George, they're yours!
Whether elected or appointed he considers himself the Lord's anointed, and indeed the ointment lingers on him so thick you can't get your fingers on him.
Professional men, they have no cares; whatever happens, they get theirs.
Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.
Remorse is a violent dyspepsia of the mind.
I don't mind their having a lot of money, and I don't care how they employ it, but I do think that they damn well ought to admit they enjoy it.
And one of his partners asked Has he vertigo? and the other glanced out and down and said Oh no, only about ten feet more.
A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.
No matter how deep and dark your pit, how dank your shroud, their heads are heroically unbloody and unbowed.
I think remorse ought to stop biting the consciences that feed it.
Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore, and that's what parents were created for.
They take the paper and they read the headlines. So they've heard of unemployment and they've heard of bread-lines. And they philanthropically cure them all by getting up a costume charity ball.
The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk.
Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.
Good wine needs no bush, and perhaps products that people really want need no hard-sell or soft-sell TV push. Why not? Look at pot.
How pleasant to sit on the beach, / On the beach, on the sand, in the sun, / With ocean galore within reach, / And nothing at all to be done!
People could survive their natural trouble all right if it weren’t for the trouble they make for themselves.
If you don’t want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won’t have to work.
O Adolescence, O Adolescence / I wince before thine incandescence ….
May I join you in the doghouse, Rover? / I wish to retire till the party’s over.
Children aren’t happy with nothing to ignore, / And that’s what parents were created for.
Miranda in Miranda's sight Is old and gray and dirty; Twenty-nine she was last night; This morning she is thirty.
At another year I would not boggle Except that when I jog I joggle.
I love you more than a wasp can sting, And more than the subway jerks, I love you as much as a beggar needs a crutch, And more than a hangnail irks.
What pleasanter task for All Fools' Day than going over all the things that you have done before And don't want to do again never no more, never no more, never no more?
At the very glimpse of a Jack-o'-lantern I've got one foot on the bus to Scranton. When Halloween next delivers the goods, You may duck for apples--I'll duck for the woods.
Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave / When they think that their children are naïve.
. . . I wonder if there is a woman in the world strong-minded enough to shed ten pounds or twenty,--And say There now, that's plenty.
Everybody who has a baby thinks everybody who hasn't a baby ought to have a baby.
Husbands are things that wives have to get used to putting up with, And with whom they breakfast with and sup with. They interfere with the discipline of nurseries, And forget anniversaries.

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