Quotes by Dave Barry

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David Barry, Jr. (born July 3, 1947) is a bestselling American author and Pulitzer Prize-winning humorist who wrote a nationally syndicated column for the The Miami Herald from 1983 to 2005.

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What Women Want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What Men Want: Tickets for the world series.

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.
There are two distinctive classes of people today, those who have personal computers, and those who have several thousand extra dollars apiece.
Democracy: In which you say what you like and do what you're told.
Although Golf was originally restricted to wealthy Protestants, today its open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.
I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.
It’s a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of M&M’s and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish—then it is disgusting.
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.

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