Quotes by Fran Lebowitz

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Fran Lebowitz is an American author. She was born Frances Ann Lebowitz on October 27, 1950 in Morristown, New Jersey. Lebowitz is best known for her sardonic social commentary on American life through her New York sensibilities. ...

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You can't go around hoping that most people have sterling moral characters. The most you can hope for is that people will pretend that they do.

All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.
Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step -- it is an old business procedure.
Girls who put out are tramps. Girls who don't are ladies. This is, however, a rather archaic usage of the word. Should one of you boys happen upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you have found a lady. What you have probably found is a lesbian.
Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.
If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.
Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.
Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won't feel like watching.
Life is something you do when you can't get to sleep.
Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met.
Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion-picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified success.
There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior.
Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.
Humility is no substitute for a good personality.
Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.
Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.
If you're going to America, bring your own food.
Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.
The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.
The most common error made in matters of appearance is the belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the true beauty of one's soul shine through. If there are places on your body where this is a possibility, you are not attractive -- you are leaking.
The opposite of talking isn’t listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.
It’s very important when making a friend to check and see if they have a private plane. People think a good personality trait in a friend is kindness or a sense of humor. No, in a friend a good personality trait is a Gulfstream.
To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.
Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
Bread that must be sliced with an ax is bread that is too nourishing.
Nothing succeeds like address.
There is perhaps, for all concerned, no period of life as unpleasant, so unappealing, so downright unpalatable, as that of adolescence. And while pretty much everyone who comes into contact with him is disagreeably affected, certainly no one is in for a ruder shock than the actual teenager himself. Fresh from twelve straight years of uninterrupted cuteness, he is singularly unprepared to deal with the harsh consequences of inadequate personal appearance.
Smoking is, if not my life, then at least my hobby. I love to smoke. Smoking is fun. Smoking is cool. Smoking is, as far as I am concerned, the entire point of being an adult. It makes growing up genuinely worthwhile. I am quite well aware of the hazards of smoking. Smoking is not a healthful pastime, it is true. Smoking is indeed no bracing dip in the ocean, no strenuous series of calisthenics, no two laps around the reservoir. On the other hand, smoking has to its advantage the fact that is a quiet pursuit. Smoking is, in effect a dignified sport.
[From a list of pros and cons for "prospective parents"] [Pro:] Children ask better questions than do adults. "May I have a cookie?" "Why is the sky blue?" and "What does a cow say?" are far more likely to elicit a cheerful response than "Where's your manuscript?" "Why haven't you called?" and "Who's your lawyer?" [Con:] Notoriously insensitive to subtle shifts in mood, children will persist in discussing the color of a recently sighted cement mixer long after one's own interest in the topic has waned.
Do not allow your children to mix drinks. It is unseemly and they use too much vermouth.