Quotes by Garrison Keillor

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A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

The funniest line in English is Get it? When you say that, everyone chortles.
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.
Selective ignorance, a cornerstone of child rearing. You don't put kids under surveillance: it might frighten you. Parents should sit tall in the saddle and look upon their troops with a noble and benevolent and extremely nearsighted gaze.
Nothing you do for children is ever wasted. They seem not to notice us, hovering, averting our eyes, and they seldom offer thanks, but what we do for them is never wasted.
Even in a time of elephantine vanity and greed, one never has to look far to see the campfires of gentle people.
Humor, a good sense of it, is to Americans what manhood is to Spaniards and we will go to great lengths to prove it. Experiments with laboratory rats have shown that, if one psychologist in the room laughs at something a rat does, all of the other psychologists in the room will laugh equally. Nobody wants to be left holding the joke.
One day Donald Trump will discover that he is owned by Lutheran Brotherhood and must re negotiate his debt load with a committee of silent Norwegians who don't understand why anyone would pay more than $120.00 for a suit.
Jesus said the meek would inherit the earth, but so far all we’ve gotten is Minnesota and North Dakota.
God writes a lot of comedy … the trouble is, he’s stuck with so many bad actors who don’t know how to play funny.
I am so sorry about all them lying dead on the hill, the trooper from the First Minnesota and all the old women and the farmers . . . and I wish my speech had been great, just as I wish I could bring them all back to life, but it's over and now summer can begin. School can let out. Baseball gets going and the sweet corn begins to get serious.
The true Christmas bathes every little thing in light and makes one cookie a token, one candle, one simple pageant more wonderful than anything seen on stage or screen.
In this quiet little pond, encouraged by doting teachers, we felt successful and shining in some way, but once graduated we would disappear into the crowd of faceless adults and be like everyone else, old, a little tired, disappointed, and things not work out. College would be too hard and flunk us; the Army would unmask us as cowards; marriage would turn sour and love would die. One way or another, we would find disgrace, as others had.

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