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  Quotes by Handey, Jack




Jack Handey is an American comedian and comic writer. He is famous for his Deep Thoughts, a large body of surrealistic one-liner jokes, as well as his "Fuzzy Memories" and "My Big Thick Novel" shorts..

"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did -- in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car."

Handey, Jack on death    Share

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"The other day I got out my can-opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, What am I doing?!"

Handey, Jack on problems
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"The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around in it until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go hey, I'm Vine Man."

Handey, Jack on wisdom    Share

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"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex."

Handey, Jack on children
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"On the other hand you have different fingers "

Handey, Jack on    Share

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" I hope that when I die, people say about me, 'Boy, that guy sure owed me a lot of money.' Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts (1949 - ) "

Handey, Jack on cynical
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