Quotes by Phyllis Diller

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Never go to bed angry, stay up and fight.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age -- as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
They just elected me Miss Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 331⁄3, 45, 78!
I don’t know what my mother-in-law’s measurements are. We haven’t had her surveyed yet.
Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
You know you’re getting old, when your back starts going out more than you do.
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
I’m nine years behind in my ironing. I bury a lot in the backyard.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
I realized on our first wedding anniversary that our marriage was in trouble. Fang gave me luggage. It was packed. My mother damn near suffocated in there.

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