Quotes by Woody Allen

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Woody Allen (born Allan Stewart Konigsberg on December 1, 1935) is a three-time Academy Award-winning American film director, writer, actor, musician, and comedian. His large body of work and cerebral film style have made him one of the most widely respected and prolific filmmakers in the modern era. Allen writes and directs his movies and has also acted in the majority of them. For inspiration, Allen draws heavily on literature, philosophy, psychology, European cinema and, most important, New York City, where he was born and in which he has lived all his life. more

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Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.
Marriage is the death of hope.
If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.
A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best.
My one regret in life is that I'm not someone else.
The lion and the calf will lay down together, but the calf won't get much sleep..
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing Embraceable You in spats.
More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final. You know, I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she would come in and sink my boats.
Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they left things.
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- dead.
I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
A Bay Area Bisexual told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.
I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
It shows exactly what you can do if you're a total psychotic.
I don't believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work … I want to achieve it through not dying.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one consider that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.
Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
Talent is luck. The important thing in life is courage.
My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
After all, there are worse things in life than death. If you’ve ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you know what I’m talking about.
Human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun.
I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot.
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.
My brain: it’s my second favorite organ.
What is it about death that bothers me so much? Probably the hours. Melnick says the soul is immortal and lives on after the body drops away, but if my soul exists without my body, I am convinced all my clothes will be loose-fitting.
Summing up, it is clear the future holds great opportunities. It also holds pitfalls. The trick will be to avoid the pitfalls, seize the opportunities, and get back home by six o'clock.