Quotes by Fred A. Allen

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Fred Allen (born John Florence Sullivan on May 31, 1894 in Cambridge, Massachusetts, died March 17, 1956 in New York City) was an American comedian whose absurdist, pointed radio show (1934–1949) made him one of the most popular and forward-looking humorists in the so-called classic era of American radio.

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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.
The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.
I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.
It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.
A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.
An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.
The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases he has culled from a conversational guide or picked up from a friend who owns a beret.
I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and -- I can't remember what the third thing is.
A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 am and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 p.m. to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch.
Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.
Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.
An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.
A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.
The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.
Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.