Quotes by George Carlin

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George Dennis Carlin (born May 12, 1937 in New York, New York) is a Grammy-winning American stand-up comedian, actor, and author. Carlin is especially noted for his irreverent attitude and his observations on language, psychology, ... more

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May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
Ever notice on a box of cookies it says, “Open here.” What do they think you’re gonna do—move to Hong Kong to open their cookies?
Kids even have play dates. Playing is now done by appointment. Whatever happened to, “You show me your wee-wee, and I’ll show you mine?”
I'm sixty years of age. That's 16 Celsius.
On Thanksgiving at our house we like variety, so we don't have turkey every year. Last year we had a swan. It was nice; everyone got some neck.
If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
The seven dwarfs were each on different little trips. Happy was into grass and grass alone … Sleepy was into reds. Grumpy. Too much speed. Sneezy was a full blown coke freak. Doc was a connection. Dopey was into everything. Any old orifice will do for Dopey. He’s always got his arm out and his leg up. And then, the one we always forget, because he was, Bashful. Bashful didn’t use drugs. He was paranoid on his own. Didn’t need any help on that ladder.