Quotes by George Carlin

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George Dennis Carlin (born May 12, 1937 in New York, New York) is a Grammy-winning American stand-up comedian, actor, and author. Carlin is especially noted for his irreverent attitude and his observations on language, psychology, ...

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May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
Kids even have play dates. Playing is now done by appointment. Whatever happened to, “You show me your wee-wee, and I’ll show you mine?”
I'm sixty years of age. That's 16 Celsius.
On Thanksgiving at our house we like variety, so we don't have turkey every year. Last year we had a swan. It was nice; everyone got some neck.