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Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.

Between flattery and admiration there often flows a river of contempt.
A person is always startled when he hears himself called old for the first time.
Even the wisest woman you talk to is ignorant of something you may know, but an elegant woman never forgets her elegance.
Apologizing.--A very desperate habit,--one that is rarely cured. Apology is only egotism wrong side out. Nine times out of ten, the first thing a man's companion knows of his shortcoming is from his apology. It is mighty presumptuous on your part to suppose your small failures of so much consequence that you must make a talk about them.
The greatest act of faith is when a man understands he is not God.
Don't flatter yourself that friendship authorizes you to say disagreeable things to your intimates. The nearer you come into relation with a person, the more necessary do tact and courtesy become.
Man forgives women anything save the wit to outwit him.
When a woman is very, very bad, she is awful, but when a man is correspondingly good, he is weird.
An epigram is a flashlight of a truth; a witticism, truth laughing at itself.
The Green-eyed Monster causes much woe, but the absence of this ugly serpent argues the presence of a corpse whose name is Eros.
The world is always ready to receive talent with open arms. Very often it does not know what to do with genius.
To be seventy years young is sometimes far more cheerful and hopeful than to be forty years old.
The advice of the elders to young men is very apt to be as unreal as a list of the hundred best books.
A homely face and no figure have aided many women heavenward.
To have doubted one's own first principles is the mark of a civilized man.
The best education in the world is that got by struggling to get a living.
Many know how to flatter, few know how to praise.
Christianity is a battle not a dream.
Write on my gravestone: Infidel, Traitor.--infidel to every church that compromises with wrong; traitor to every government that oppresses the people.
History is strewn thick with evidence that a truth is not hard to kill, but a lie, well told, is immortal.
If you are speaking the truth you don't have to remember anything.
Where there is much freedom there is much error.
In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made School Boards.
There is a great deal of human nature in people.
Man is a creature made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.
A crank is someone with a new idea -- until it catches on.
Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.
Temperate temperance is best; intemperate temperance injures the cause of temperance.
The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.
When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not.
There are lies, damned lies, and statistics.
We need not worry so much about what man descends from; it's what he descends to that shames the human race.
There was never yet an uninteresting life. Such a thing is an impossibility. Inside of the dullest exterior there is a drama, a comedy, and a tragedy.
Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.
We have the best government that money can buy.
Damn the subjunctive. It brings all our writers to shame.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
A habit cannot be tossed out the window; it must be coaxed down the stairs a step at a time.
Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.
Happiness ain't a thing in itself --it's only a contrast with something that ain't pleasant. And so, as soon as the novelty is over and the force of the contrast dulled, it ain't happiness any longer, and you have to get something fresh.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Heaven goes by favor; if it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
In Boston they ask, How much does he know? In New York, How much is he worth? In Philadelphia, Who were his parents?
When I was fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have him around. When I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.
Let us consider that we are all partially insane. It will explain us to each other; it will unriddle many riddles; it will make clear and simple many things which are involved in haunting and harassing difficulties and obscurities now.
Switzerland is simply a large, lumpy, solid rock with a thin skin of grass stretched over it.
Warm summer sun, shine kindly here. Warm southern wind, blow softly here. Green sod above, lie light, lie light. Good night, dear Heart, Good night, good night.
Obscurity and competence: That is the life that is worth living.
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist, except an old optimist.
What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing, he knew nobody had said it before.
I find that principles have no real force except when one is well fed.
A soiled baby, with a neglected nose, cannot be conscientiously regarded as a thing of beauty.
A banker is a fellow who lends his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
He liked to like people, therefore people liked him.
Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
You can't pray a lie.
Few sinners are saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon.
To do something, say something, see something, before anybody else -- these are things that confer a pleasure compared with which other pleasures are tame and commonplace, other ecstasies cheap and trivial.
France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country.
That which is so universal as death must be a benefit.
Happy he who learns to bear what he cannot change.
The man who is ostentatious of his modesty is twin to the statue that wears a fig-leaf.
When we remember that we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
Monarchies, aristocracies, and religions are all based upon that large defect in your race -- the individual's distrust of his neighbor, and his desire, for safety's or comfort's sake, to stand well in his neighbor's eye. These institutions will always remain, and always flourish, and always oppress you, affront you, and degrade you, because you will always be and remain slaves of minorities. There was never a country where the majority of the people were in their secret hearts loyal to any of these institutions.
The fact that man knows right from wrong proves his intellectual superiority to the other creatures; but the fact that he can do wrong proves his moral inferiority to any creatures that cannot.
Accident is the name of the greatest of all inventors.
The lack of money is the root of all evils.
True irreverence is disrespect for another man's god.
In the real world, nothing happens at the right place at the right time. It is the job of journalists and historians to correct that.
His money is twice tainted: taint yours and taint mine.
My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.
We have not the reverent feeling for the rainbow that a savage has, because we know how it is made. We have lost as much as we gained by prying into that matter.
The trouble with the world is not that people know too little, but that they know so many things that ain't so.
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.
Friends show me what I can do, foes teach me what I should do.
Posterity weaves no garlands for imitators.
Faith is believing what you know ain't so.
Familiarity breeds contempt; and children.
Adam was the luckiest man; he had no mother-in-law.
The jest loses its point when he who makes it is the first to laugh.
I was young and foolish then; now I am old and foolisher.
The average estimate themselves by what they do, the above average by what they are.
The voice of the majority is no proof of justice.
Opposition always enflames the enthusiast, never converts him.
Only those who have the patience to do simple things perfectly will acquire the skill to do difficult things easily.
Measure not by the scale of perfection the meager product of reality.
He who considers too much will perform little.
The brave person thinks of themselves last of all.
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
Mankind is made great or little by its own will.
There is room in the smallest cottage for a happy loving pair.
The future comes slowly, the present flies and the past stands still forever.
The lamp of genius burns quicker than the lamp of life.
While the womanly god demands our veneration, the godlike woman kindles our love; but while we allow ourselves to melt in the celestial loveliness, the celestial self-sufficiency holds us back in awe.
By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
We owe a deep debt of gratitude to Adam, the first great benefactor of the human race: he brought death into the world.
The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.
He has been a doctor a year now and has had two patients, no, three, I think -- yes, it was three; I attended their funerals.
Do something every day that you don't want to do. This is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
Grace is the beauty of form under the influence of freedom.
I believe that our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey.
I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.
Historians are prophets with their face turned backward.
To succeed in the other trades, capacity must be shown; in the law, concealment of it will do.
We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read.
Of all the possessions of this life fame is the noblest; when the body has sunk into the dust the great name still lives.
The highest perfection of politeness is only a beautiful edifice, built, from the base to the dome, of ungraceful and gilded forms of charitable and unselfish lying.
Methuselah lived to be 969 years old . You boys and girls will see more in the next fifty years than Methuselah saw in his whole lifetime.
Both marriage and death ought to be welcome: The one promises happiness, doubtless the other assures it.
The older we grow the greater becomes our wonder at how much ignorance one can contain without bursting one's clothes.
Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.
When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.
A man cannot be made comfortable without his own approval.
Any so-called material thing that you want is merely a symbol: you want it not for itself, but because it will content your spirit for the moment.
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
If you have nothing to say, say nothing.
There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford it, and when he can.
Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.
Let us not be too particular; it is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all.
I did not attend his funeral; but I wrote a nice letter saying I approved of it. [About a politician who had recently died]
Nothing that grieves us can be called little: by the eternal laws of proportion a child's loss of a doll and a king's loss of a crown are events of the same size.
A lie can run around the world six times while the truth is still trying to put on its pants.
It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
Forget and forgive. This is not difficult when properly understood. It means forget inconvenient duties, then forgive yourself for forgetting. By rigid practice and stern determination, it comes easy.
Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie; I can, but I won t.
Fortune knocks at every man's door once in a life, but in a good many cases the man is in a neighboring saloon and does not hear her.
It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either.
Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life. The conviction of the rich that the poor are happier is no more foolish than the conviction of the poor that the rich are.
Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.
One of the striking differences between a cat and a lie is that the cat has only nine lives.
Where a blood relation sobs, an intimate friend should choke up, a distant acquaintance should sigh, a stranger should merely fumble sympathetically with his handkerchief.
When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
Keep away from small people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
When you ascend the hill of prosperity, may you not meet a friend.
It is a good and gentle religion, but inconvenient.
It is a good idea to obey all the rules when you're young just so you'll have the strength to break them when you're old.
Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
Everyone is like a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
Life is partly what we make it, and partly what it is made by the friends we choose.
One friend in a lifetime is much, two are many, three are hardly possible. Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought, a rivalry of aim.
When all is said and done, friendship is the only trustworthy fabric of the affections. So-called love is a delirious inhuman state of mind: when hot it substitutes indulgence for fair play; when cold it is cruel, but friendship is warmth in cold, firm ground in a bog.
It is important to our friends to believe that we are unreservedly frank with them, and important to friendship that we are not.
The only way God could impose peace on the world would be to robotize our wills and rob every human being of the power of choice. He has not chosen to do that. He has given every person a free will.

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