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I believe that our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey.

I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
I was young and foolish then; now I am old and foolisher.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
To stop smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know; I've done it a thousand times.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
We have the best government that money can buy.
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.
All great deeds and all great thoughts have a ridiculous beginning.
By definition, a government has no conscience. Sometimes it has a policy, but nothing more.
Freedom is nothing else but a chance to be better.
The only certainty is that nothing is certain.
In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain.
Home is where the heart is.
Those who lack the courage will always find a philosophy to justify it.
The society based on production is only productive, not creative.
What is a rebel? A man who says no.
To go too far is as bad as to fall short.
Say not always what you know, but always know what you say.
To do no evil is good, to intend none better.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Speech is the gift of all, but the thought of few.
I think the first virtue is to restrain the tongue; he approaches nearest to gods who knows how to be silent, even though he is in the right.
Wise men don't need advice. Fools won't take it.
An old young man, will be a young old man.
It is much easier to suppress a first desire than to satisfy those that follow.
Let thy discontents be thy secrets.
God heals and the doctor takes the fee.
Hope is a good breakfast but a bad supper.
Houses are built to live in, and not to look on; therefore let use be preferred before uniformity, except where both may be had. Leave the goodly fabrics of houses, for beauty only, to the enchanted palaces of the poets; who build them with small cost.
The worst solitude is to have no real friendships.
Call no man happy till he is dead.
It is always in season for old men to learn.
Three o clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
Beware of little expenses. A small leak will sink a great ship.
Most fools think they are only ignorant.
He that waits upon fortune, is never sure of a dinner.
Let the child's first lesson be obedience, and the second will be what thou wilt.
If you would know the value of money try to borrow some.
We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.
Three can keep a secret if two are dead.
If your riches are yours, why don't you take them with to the other world?
There never was a good war or a bad peace.
Love thy neighbor -- but don't pull down your hedge.
Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.
The things which hurt, instruct.
He that won't be counseled can't be helped.
Life's tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late
He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals.
Creditors have better memories than debtors.
Most people would rather give than get affection.
Everything comes to us from others. To Be is to belong to someone.
If you are lonely when you are alone, you are in bad company.
Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.
What it lies in our power to do, it lies in our power not to do.
Education is the best provision for old age.
The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet.
The worst form of inequality is to try to make unequal things equal.
No notice is taken of a little evil, but when it increases it strikes the eye.
Pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work.
There is no great genius without a mixture of madness.
They deem him their worst enemy who tells them the truth.
Truth is its own reward.
Democracy is a charming form of government, full of variety and disorder, and dispensing a sort of equality to equals and unequal alike.
Knowledge which is acquired under compulsion obtains no hold on the mind.
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.
Even the gods love jokes.
Love is a serious mental disease.
At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet.
Love is the joy of the good, the wonder of the wise, the amazement of the Gods.
They do certainly give very strange, and newfangled, names to diseases.
There are three classes of men; lovers of wisdom, lovers of honor, and lovers of gain.
Opinion is the medium between knowledge and ignorance.
When the mind is thinking it is talking to itself.
I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning.
Science is nothing but perception.
One may sometimes tell a lie, but the grimace that accompanies it tells the truth.
Anyone can become angry -- that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way -- this is not easy.
In Heaven all the interesting people are missing.
You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.
The word Christianity is already a misunderstanding -- in reality there has been only one Christian, and he died on the Cross.
Beggars should be entirely abolished! Truly, it is annoying to give to them and annoying not to give to them.
After coming into contact with a religious man I always feel I must wash my hands.
The best weapon against an enemy is another enemy.
That which does not kill us makes us stronger.
It is always consoling to think of suicide: in that way one gets through many a bad night.
When one has much to put into them, a day has a hundred pockets.
Mystical explanations are considered deep. The truth is that they are not even superficial.
Two great European narcotics, alcohol and Christianity.
Is man one of God's blunders or is God one of man's blunders?
I fear we are not getting rid of God because we still believe in grammar.
Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.
The aim of the wise is not to secure pleasure, but to avoid pain.
Wit is educated insolence.
One thing alone not even God can do,To make undone whatever hath been done.
The irrationality of a thing is no argument against its existence, rather a condition of it.
What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
Whatever is done for love always occurs beyond good and evil.
It says nothing against the ripeness of a spirit that it has a few worms.
There are no eternal facts, as there are no absolute truths.
There are no facts, only interpretations.
In large states public education will always be mediocre, for the same reason that in large kitchens the cooking is usually bad.
The future influences the present just as much as the past.
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she would come in and sink my boats.
Marriage is the death of hope.
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
Love is life's end, but never ending. Love is life's wealth, never spent, but ever spending. Love's life's reward, rewarded in rewarding.
We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love, never so forlornly unhappy as when we have lost our love object or its love.
Happiness comes more from loving than being loved; and often when our affection seems wounded it is only our vanity bleeding. To love, and to be hurt often, and to love again -- this is the brave and happy life.
Immature love says: I love you because I need you. Mature love says: I need you because I love you.
Intercourse with a woman is sometimes a satisfactory substitute for masturbation. But it takes a lot of imagination to make it work.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
It shows exactly what you can do if you're a total psychotic.
Sex is like money; only too much is enough.
Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best.
Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
Of all the sexual aberrations, perhaps the most peculiar is chastity.
Older women are best, because they always think they may be doing it for the last time.
I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.
Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.
By all means marry. If you get a good wife you will become happy, and if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher.

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