"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."

Bombeck, Erma on Doctors
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"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."

Bombeck, Erma on Exercise
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"You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates."

Bombeck, Erma on Family
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"Never accept a drink from a Urologist."

Bombeck, Erma on Alcohol and Alcoholism
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"I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: Checkout Time is 18 years."

Bombeck, Erma on Parents and Parenting
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"Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other."

Bombeck, Erma on Success
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"Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth."

Bombeck, Erma on Children
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"It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows."

Bombeck, Erma on Children
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"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say, I used everything you gave me.."

Bombeck, Erma on Talent
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"Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide."

Bombeck, Erma on Comedy and Comedians
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"I am not a glutton -- I am an explorer of food."

Bombeck, Erma on Control
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"It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else."

Bombeck, Erma on Courage
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