"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."

Marx, Groucho on Age and Aging
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"Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough."

Marx, Groucho on Age and Aging
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"There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of ones fellow man."

Marx, Groucho on Envy
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"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception."

Marx, Groucho on Faces
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"There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he's crooked."

Marx, Groucho on Honesty
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"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."

Marx, Groucho on Jokes and Jokers
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"Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women."

Marx, Groucho on Leaders and Leadership
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"One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife."

Marx, Groucho on Marriage
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"Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member."

Marx, Groucho on People
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"I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member."

Marx, Groucho on Association
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"The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can't fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar."

Marx, Groucho on Autobiography
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"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does."

Marx, Groucho on Politicians and Politics
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"I worked myself up from nothing to extreme poverty."

Marx, Groucho on Poverty and The Poor
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"Look at me. I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."

Marx, Groucho on Poverty and The Poor
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"Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy."

Marx, Groucho on Sex
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"Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age."

Marx, Groucho on Birth
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"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."

Marx, Groucho on Books - Reading
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"I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book."

Marx, Groucho on Television
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"No man goes before his time -- unless the boss leaves early."

Marx, Groucho on Time and Time Management
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"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

Marx, Groucho on Weddings
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"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough."

Marx, Groucho on Wives
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"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."

Marx, Groucho on Writers and Writing
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"My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one."

Marx, Groucho on Children
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"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."

Marx, Groucho on Choice
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"I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make dry toast, instant coffee, hearts of lettuce and brownies. But as an added attraction, at no extra charge, my idea was to put a fried egg on the cover. I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right."

Marx, Groucho on Cooking
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"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."

Marx, Groucho on Death and Dying
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"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. "

Marx, Groucho on
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"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five "

Marx, Groucho on
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"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."

Marx, Groucho on Dogs
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"Buiten een hond is een boek je beste vriend. Binnen een hond is het te donker om te lezen"

Marx, Groucho on boeken
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"Ik vind televisie erg educatief. Elke keer dat iemand het ding aanzet ga ik naar een andere kamer en lees een boek."

Marx, Groucho on televisie
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