"I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster."

Lewis, Joe E. on Food and Eating
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"Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest."

Lewis, Joe E. on Friends and Friendship
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"I've been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would have taken General Custer and given points."

Lewis, Joe E. on Gambling
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"I always wake up at the crack of ice."

Lewis, Joe E. on Alcohol and Alcoholism
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"I don't drink any more than the man next to me, and the man next to me is Dean Martin."

Lewis, Joe E. on Alcohol and Alcoholism
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"A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on."

Lewis, Joe E. on Alcohol and Alcoholism
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"I drink to forget I drink."

Lewis, Joe E. on Alcohol and Alcoholism
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"I would take a bomb, but I can't stand the noise."

Lewis, Joe E. on Alcohol and Alcoholism
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"It pays to get drunk with the best people."

Lewis, Joe E. on Alcohol and Alcoholism
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"You only live once -- but if you work it right, once is enough."

Lewis, Joe E. on Life and Living
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"I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink."

Lewis, Joe E. on Animals
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"Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants on."

Lewis, Joe E. on Maturity
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"They had me on the operating table all day. They looked into my stomach, my gall bladder, they examined everything inside of me. Know what they decided? I need glasses."

Lewis, Joe E. on Medicine
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"I'm still chasing girls. I don't remember what for, but I'm still chasing them."

Lewis, Joe E. on Memory
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"It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor -- as long as you've got money."

Lewis, Joe E. on Money
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"There's only one thing money won't buy, and that is poverty."

Lewis, Joe E. on Money
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"I don't like money actually, but it quiets the nerves."

Lewis, Joe E. on Money
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"Show me a man with very little money and I will show you a bum."

Lewis, Joe E. on Poverty and The Poor
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"Adlai Stevenson has a genius for saying the right thing, at the right time, to the wrong people."

Lewis, Joe E. on Speakers and Speaking
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"The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love."

Lewis, Joe E. on Taxes and Taxation
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"You are only young once, and if you work it right, once is enough."

Lewis, Joe E. on Youth
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