"If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail."

Lebowitz, Fran on Dogs
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"Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat."

Lebowitz, Fran on Food and Eating
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"If you're going to America, bring your own food."

Lebowitz, Fran on Food and Eating
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"Food is an important part of a balanced diet."

Lebowitz, Fran on Food and Eating
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"Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying."

Lebowitz, Fran on Food and Eating
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"Humility is no substitute for a good personality."

Lebowitz, Fran on Humility
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"Life is something you do when you can't get to sleep."

Lebowitz, Fran on Life and Living
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"The most common error made in matters of appearance is the belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the true beauty of one's soul shine through. If there are places on your body where this is a possibility, you are not attractive -- you are leaking."

Lebowitz, Fran on Appearance
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"Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra."

Lebowitz, Fran on Mathematics
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"Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step -- it is an old business procedure."

Lebowitz, Fran on Opinions
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"Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met."

Lebowitz, Fran on Originality
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"Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion-picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use the word collectible as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified success."

Lebowitz, Fran on Parents and Parenting
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"There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior."

Lebowitz, Fran on Peace of Mind
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"Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable."

Lebowitz, Fran on Success
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"All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable."

Lebowitz, Fran on Beauty
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"You can't go around hoping that most people have sterling moral characters. The most you can hope for is that people will pretend that they do."

Lebowitz, Fran on Character
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"If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words."

Lebowitz, Fran on Suicide
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"Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won't feel like watching."

Lebowitz, Fran on Television
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"Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football."

Lebowitz, Fran on Women
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"Girls who put out are tramps. Girls who don't are ladies. This is, however, a rather archaic usage of the word. Should one of you boys happen upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you have found a lady. What you have probably found is a lesbian."

Lebowitz, Fran on Women
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"Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you."

Lebowitz, Fran on Youth
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"The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting."

Lebowitz, Fran on Conversation
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"Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine."

Lebowitz, Fran on Critics and Criticism
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