"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet."

Allen, Woody on Disillusion
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"What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?"

Allen, Woody on Dreams
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"I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot."

Allen, Woody on Drugs
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"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- dead."

Allen, Woody on Food and Eating
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"More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly."

Allen, Woody on History and Historians
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"In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows."

Allen, Woody on Hollywood
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"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."

Allen, Woody on Immortality
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"I've never been an intellectual but I have this look."

Allen, Woody on Intelligence and Intellectuals
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"Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable."

Allen, Woody on Life and Living
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"Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing Embraceable You in spats."

Allen, Woody on Animals
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"I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox."

Allen, Woody on Love
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"Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it."

Allen, Woody on Love
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"The lion and the calf will lay down together, but the calf won't get much sleep.."

Allen, Woody on Marriage
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"Marriage is the death of hope."

Allen, Woody on Marriage
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"Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she would come in and sink my boats."

Allen, Woody on Maturity
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"I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final. You know, I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me."

Allen, Woody on Metaphysics
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"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."

Allen, Woody on Money
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"If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job."

Allen, Woody on Movies
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"I am at two with nature."

Allen, Woody on Nature
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"It shows exactly what you can do if you're a total psychotic."

Allen, Woody on Possibilities
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"Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime."

Allen, Woody on Punishment
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"Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage."

Allen, Woody on Reason
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"My one regret in life is that I'm not someone else."

Allen, Woody on Regret
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"A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark."

Allen, Woody on Relationships
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"If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe."

Allen, Woody on Risk
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"Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they left things."

Allen, Woody on Science and Scientists
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"Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing."

Allen, Woody on Sex
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"A Bay Area Bisexual told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires."

Allen, Woody on Sex
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"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank."

Allen, Woody on Skepticism
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"Eighty percent of success is showing up."

Allen, Woody on Success
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"Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun."

Allen, Woody on Body
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"I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member."

Allen, Woody on Club
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"Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue."

Allen, Woody on Comedy and Comedians
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"I think being funny is not anyone's first choice."

Allen, Woody on Comedy and Comedians
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"Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one consider that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies."

Allen, Woody on Crime and Criminals
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"I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."

Allen, Woody on Death and Dying
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"On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down."

Allen, Woody on Death and Dying
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"I don't believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear."

Allen, Woody on Death and Dying
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